let's get it started

We're headed back into the land of ifs and maybes...infertility treatments. Earlier this week, I had some blood work done at the clinic. The next day, a nurse called to tell me that I'm not pregnant and I have not ovulated.

WHAT!?!?!?!

Totally kidding.

They started me on a drug called Provera to force a period. Provera and I go way back. I've had less than ten periods in my whole life. Usually when I tell people that, they say something about how lucky I am. And they're right. No mood swings. No bloating. No cramps. No desperately digging through my purse for supplies. I'm a lucky woman...until I try to get pregnant. Not so lucky then. No period means no ovulation. No ovulation means no baby. So Provera comes to my rescue by making my body do what it can't do on its own. I'm supposed to call the clinic on the first day of my period...and I can't remember what happens after that.

It's odd. I feel like a newbie even though I've done this so many times before. I used to be able to talk shop with the best of them. But I just don't remember that stuff anymore. It feels like ages ago, like I was a different person back then, living a different life. In a lot of ways, I was.

It's exciting to be starting again. And scary.

This time around, it's going to be different. We have a child now, which on the one hand, will make things SO much easier. When I start to wonder if it's ever going to work, I can remind myself that it already has. When a pregnancy test comes back negative, I can hold my daughter close. My please God prayers will be tempered by prayers of thankfulness for what we've already been given. My daughter's presence will be the sweetener in this bitter process.

But on the other hand, having a child and working towards another will create some challenges. Children are not allowed at the fertility clinic. I am so glad for this rule and am more than happy to abide by it. I remember sitting in the waiting room during our IVF cycle and seeing a family come in with two little ones in tow. I was livid. Of all the rules to break!! So again, I'm a fan of the rule, but it does mean that we will need child care or at least rather creative scheduling every time I have an appointment. That means inconveniencing others and being away from Harriet more than I'd like.

Also, we now know what it's like to feel a baby move, to introduce that child by name to its tearful grandparents, to sing lullabies in the stillness, to provide comfort during sickness, to laugh at the silly faces, to celebrate the first steps. If our next baby does not come soon, we will know what we are missing. We will be fully aware of the specific, unparalleled joy that's being withheld. I have said many times that if I would have known how wonderful Harriet was going to be, I never would have been able to wait. Now I know, and I may still have to wait. This could be tough.

So here we go again...