trust

The two week wait before a pregnancy test really plays games with a girl's mind. Yesterday, I was holding Harriet and jumping around. She loved it. Then, all of a sudden, I got this cramp in my belly and my mind started to churn. What if all that jumping dislodges an embryo?! I wonder how much force it would take...At the clinic, they said I could just go about my day as normal. They didn't even tell me to take it easy. I'm sure it's fine. I jumped up and down once more so that I could better assess the jostle factor. Hm...I don't think that's enough jostling to knock it out of the uterine lining...but what if it was a cumulative effect? How many times did I jump anyways? What if everything was fine, but that one test jump was the one that bumped it loose?! Then I reminded myself that there's only a fifteen percent chance of success with clomid and IUI, so there probably wasn't anything to dislodge anyway.

Later in the day, we went to the Children's Museum. I put my phone in my pocket, but felt it was too close to my uterus, so I stuffed it halfway down my pant leg. I was wearing leggings so it stayed put. I'm sure it looked really classy when I was digging my hand down my pant leg every five minutes to grab my phone so I could take pictures.

Thursday night at work, I was getting a bit anxious about my pants being too tight around my waist (This is a new development thanks to weaning + clomid + eating food). I worried I might squish the baby right out of my uterus. So I unbuttoned my top button like it was Thanksgiving. I even slid my zipper down a ways. Again, classy.

What makes all of this even crazier is the fact that it's totally normal. Paranoia is a pretty common side effect of infertility. We think that every little thing we do, eat, and even think will affect the outcome of our treatments. Many of us have experienced the agony of having a little life slip through our fingers for no apparent reason. Maybe it was the blue cheese in my salad. Maybe it happened when the dog sat on my lap. Maybe I shouldn't have done that flying crow in yoga class. 

A girl can go crazy thinking about this stuff. And if all of that anxiety isn't enough, there's bound to be someone, probably more than one person, who tells you that if you just relax...if you just stop thinking about it...if you just let go of the control, you'll get pregnant.

And that's really helpful because...totally kidding. It's not helpful at all. In fact, it makes you worry more. You start worrying about your worries. You start feeling anxious about your anxiety. And then there's the guilt...thick, heavy, sticky guilt.

If you're part of a religious community, those comments about relaxing are bound to be paired with a phrase or two about trusting God. And it's not just people you hear it from - those messages are on the radio, in devotional books, on Facebook, and on bumper stickers.

"God's in control. You just have to have faith."

"God's timing is perfect. I bet the day you stop wanting a baby so bad will be the day you get pregnant."

"Everything happens for a reason. Just trust God and it will turn out."

"Aren't you glad that you can trust God to be in control?"

But here's the thing...I can't trust Him.

Well, not the way I want to.

I can't trust Him to heal my cousin's cancer or make my friend's son walk someday. I can't trust Him to keep my mom's plane up in the air. I can't trust Him to keep Harriet safe and healthy for a full lifetime. I can't trust Him to protect my friend's unborn baby from miscarriage. And I definitely can't trust Him to bring us another child. He has not promised any of these things.

So then I have to decide...is this the type of God I want to serve? And the answer comes easily and quickly without much thought - yes. YES! Yes, this is the God I want a relationship with.

Though I cannot trust Him to always heal the people I love, I can trust Him to make their stories sing with His goodness and to give them joy beyond our understanding. Though I can't trust him to protect my family members, I do have faith that He will get us through any tragedy that life might throw our way. Though I can't trust Him to bless me with a long life on this earth, I can fully trust His promise of eternal life in heaven when this world washes away. And though I can't trust Him to give us another child, I can trust Him to make our lives complete and whole whether we have one child or ten.

I fully trust God to see me through any trial, any roadblock, any tragedy. I fully trust Him to be present with me, to give me everything I need moment to moment. Some days, that feels like more than enough to sustain me. And other days, I want the promise of healing and safety and ease. Some days I want to be able to fully trust that God will give me another child. Some days, I want to be able to trust Him to get onboard with my plan.

But that wouldn't be real trust, would it? Trust is powerful because it requires us to open our hearts, uncurl our fists and let ourselves fall full force into Someone Else's plans, knowing that our dreams may never come true. But also knowing that sometimes, our dreams are much too small for a big God.