Friday, February 1, 2013

let's get it started

We're headed back into the land of ifs and maybes...infertility treatments. Earlier this week, I had some blood work done at the clinic. The next day, a nurse called to tell me that I'm not pregnant and I have not ovulated.

WHAT!?!?!?!

Totally kidding.

They started me on a drug called Provera to force a period. Provera and I go way back. I've had less than ten periods in my whole life. Usually when I tell people that, they say something about how lucky I am. And they're right. No mood swings. No bloating. No cramps. No desperately digging through my purse for supplies. I'm a lucky woman...until I try to get pregnant. Not so lucky then. No period means no ovulation. No ovulation means no baby. So Provera comes to my rescue by making my body do what it can't do on its own. I'm supposed to call the clinic on the first day of my period...and I can't remember what happens after that.

It's odd. I feel like a newbie even though I've done this so many times before. I used to be able to talk shop with the best of them. But I just don't remember that stuff anymore. It feels like ages ago, like I was a different person back then, living a different life. In a lot of ways, I was.

It's exciting to be starting again. And scary.

This time around, it's going to be different. We have a child now, which on the one hand, will make things SO much easier. When I start to wonder if it's ever going to work, I can remind myself that it already has. When a pregnancy test comes back negative, I can hold my daughter close. My please God prayers will be tempered by prayers of thankfulness for what we've already been given. My daughter's presence will be the sweetener in this bitter process.



But on the other hand, having a child and working towards another will create some challenges. Children are not allowed at the fertility clinic. I am so glad for this rule and am more than happy to abide by it. I remember sitting in the waiting room during our IVF cycle and seeing a family come in with two little ones in tow. I was livid. Of all the rules to break!! So again, I'm a fan of the rule, but it does mean that we will need child care or at least rather creative scheduling every time I have an appointment. That means inconveniencing others and being away from Harriet more than I'd like.

Also, we now know what it's like to feel a baby move, to introduce that child by name to its tearful grandparents, to sing lullabies in the stillness, to provide comfort during sickness, to laugh at the silly faces, to celebrate the first steps. If our next baby does not come soon, we will know what we are missing. We will be fully aware of the specific, unparalleled joy that's being withheld. I have said many times that if I would have known how wonderful Harriet was going to be, I never would have been able to wait. Now I know, and I may still have to wait. This could be tough.

So here we go again...


14 comments:

  1. You have so many people that will be there to cheer you guys on. Praying for you during this second journey. XOXO

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    1. THanks so much for being part of our cheering section, Risa. We're there for you guys as well.

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  2. Best of luck, Em. I am dreading the thought of jumping back into fertility treatments. We shall see. *sigh*

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    1. I totally get where you're coming from. Dread is the perfect word to describe it.

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  3. The end of this post brought tears to my eyes. I honestly had never considered that aspect of trying for a second child. That you know what you'd be missing. Wishing you the very best!

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! And thanks for the well wishes. (-:

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  4. After reading the link you posted on my blog this morning, I spent perhaps too much time today reading through yours (work? what's that?). You have a beautiful daughter, and I wish you so much luck in your journey!

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, Kate! Blogs can just suck you right in, can't they? I have to limit my blog reading or it can easily get out of hand. (-:

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  5. I clicked over yesterday from LFCA and read through your whole story. (If you saw a million page views from Spain, that was me.)

    First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine how difficult that most have been. Also, I'm sorry to see of your second loss. It is not to be forgotten, either.

    Secondly, congratulations on your beautiful daughter. She is such a little sweetheart!

    Finally, good luck with your journey to another child. I have PCOS as well and conceived our now 19-month old girl after IUI+injectables #3. We're trying now to get her a sibling and are following the same game plan (currently in our second medicated cycle [which is the only kind of cycle I typically ever have]), hoping lightning will strike twice. In my experience, you are right - TTC#2 is both easier and more difficult that TTC#1. Right now I'm in the "more difficult" phase, but I know that I do have it pretty damn good when I get to snuggle my girl.

    Anyway, I'll be following along on your journey. I hope that it surprises you with its brevity and ease.

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    1. Thanks for your kindness. I wish the same for you on your journey...brevity and ease.

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  6. Popped over from PAIL today and wanted to wish you the best of luck on your journey TTC #2! I hope your journey is a short and sweet one, and that you have that second baby in your arms in no time. Your daughter is just beautiful!!

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    1. Thanks so much Stephanie! Glad you stopped by my blog. We can use all the "luck" we can get. (-:

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  7. Had to come back to read this, remembering reading it before when I found your blog (although see I never commented on this particular post.. sorry!)... now that I am in a similar position, I had to read it again from here. Still wasnt having cycles here and down to 2 short feeds a day so was told to start Provera (have had to in the past nevermind the breastfeeding). Today, AF returned... exactly 2 years to the day after CD1 of the cycle we conceived Lids. A sign? I hope. Clomid and trigger lay ahead. Let's get it started indeed. :/ So crazy to be back here again.. two years later.

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    1. Fiona, I can hardly keep up with reading everybody's entries once, let alone coming back to read something again (although LOTS of you ladies' posts have warranted a second or third look). You're like a professional commenter! I wish you so much luck and baby dust as you start this journey again. May it be as quick and painless as possible. (-:

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