Saturday, March 2, 2013

trust

The two week wait before a pregnancy test really plays games with a girl's mind. Yesterday, I was holding Harriet and jumping around. She loved it. Then, all of a sudden, I got this cramp in my belly and my mind started to churn. What if all that jumping dislodges an embryo?! I wonder how much force it would take...At the clinic, they said I could just go about my day as normal. They didn't even tell me to take it easy. I'm sure it's fine. I jumped up and down once more so that I could better assess the jostle factor. Hm...I don't think that's enough jostling to knock it out of the uterine lining...but what if it was a cumulative effect? How many times did I jump anyways? What if everything was fine, but that one test jump was the one that bumped it loose?! Then I reminded myself that there's only a fifteen percent chance of success with clomid and IUI, so there probably wasn't anything to dislodge anyway.

Later in the day, we went to the Children's Museum. I put my phone in my pocket, but felt it was too close to my uterus, so I stuffed it halfway down my pant leg. I was wearing leggings so it stayed put. I'm sure it looked really classy when I was digging my hand down my pant leg every five minutes to grab my phone so I could take pictures.







Thursday night at work, I was getting a bit anxious about my pants being too tight around my waist (This is a new development thanks to weaning + clomid + eating food). I worried I might squish the baby right out of my uterus. So I unbuttoned my top button like it was Thanksgiving. I even slid my zipper down a ways. Again, classy.

What makes all of this even crazier is the fact that it's totally normal. Paranoia is a pretty common side effect of infertility. We think that every little thing we do, eat, and even think will affect the outcome of our treatments. Many of us have experienced the agony of having a little life slip through our fingers for no apparent reason. Maybe it was the blue cheese in my salad. Maybe it happened when the dog sat on my lap. Maybe I shouldn't have done that flying crow in yoga class. 

A girl can go crazy thinking about this stuff. And if all of that anxiety isn't enough, there's bound to be someone, probably more than one person, who tells you that if you just relax...if you just stop thinking about it...if you just let go of the control, you'll get pregnant.

And that's really helpful because...totally kidding. It's not helpful at all. In fact, it makes you worry more. You start worrying about your worries. You start feeling anxious about your anxiety. And then there's the guilt...thick, heavy, sticky guilt.

If you're part of a religious community, those comments about relaxing are bound to be paired with a phrase or two about trusting God. And it's not just people you hear it from - those messages are on the radio, in devotional books, on Facebook, and on bumper stickers.

"God's in control. You just have to have faith."

"God's timing is perfect. I bet the day you stop wanting a baby so bad will be the day you get pregnant."

"Everything happens for a reason. Just trust God and it will turn out."

"Aren't you glad that you can trust God to be in control?"

But here's the thing...I can't trust Him.

Well, not the way I want to.

I can't trust Him to heal my cousin's cancer or make my friend's son walk someday. I can't trust Him to keep my mom's plane up in the air. I can't trust Him to keep Harriet safe and healthy for a full lifetime. I can't trust Him to protect my friend's unborn baby from miscarriage. And I definitely can't trust Him to bring us another child. He has not promised any of these things.

So then I have to decide...is this the type of God I want to serve? And the answer comes easily and quickly without much thought - yes. YES! Yes, this is the God I want a relationship with.

Though I cannot trust Him to always heal the people I love, I can trust Him to make their stories sing with His goodness and to give them joy beyond our understanding. Though I can't trust him to protect my family members, I do have faith that He will get us through any tragedy that life might throw our way. Though I can't trust Him to bless me with a long life on this earth, I can fully trust His promise of eternal life in heaven when this world washes away. And though I can't trust Him to give us another child, I can trust Him to make our lives complete and whole whether we have one child or ten.

I fully trust God to see me through any trial, any roadblock, any tragedy. I fully trust Him to be present with me, to give me everything I need moment to moment. Some days, that feels like more than enough to sustain me. And other days, I want the promise of healing and safety and ease. Some days I want to be able to fully trust that God will give me another child. Some days, I want to be able to trust Him to get onboard with my plan.

But that wouldn't be real trust, would it? Trust is powerful because it requires us to open our hearts, uncurl our fists and let ourselves fall full force into Someone Else's plans, knowing that our dreams may never come true. But also knowing that sometimes, our dreams are much too small for a big God.




29 comments:

  1. Such a good post! We have to remember that "normal" fertile people get pregnant all the time and don't even know it, continuing to go about their daily lives which may include vigorous activity, jumping, taking care of kids, etc. I'm sure you are okay playing with Harriet. Although I know I would still worry too.

    I love that you talked about what you can and can't trust God for. In the end, God may not even bless us with one child. I may not understand it, but I do trust that God has a plan, whatever it may be.

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    1. Thanks for the sweet comment, Amber. And thanks for calming my worries. It's stressful, isn't it? I so, so, so hope that God's plan is for you to have a child. I am so invested in your story now, and I cannot wait to see what comes next.

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  2. I just found your blog through Amber. Great post. Having faith and trusting fully can be quite difficult sometimes. We never know how things will end up on this journey...but I've learned to accept that I'll be fulfilled some way somehow even if it doesn't look like I think it should. Looking forward to following your journey.

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    1. Hi Jessah! So glad you found my blog, mostly because it led me to yours! (-:

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  3. Ah, the number of times I have put my phone down on my belly while sitting on the couch, only to snatch it up again and move it a metre away... just in case, you know... ah, infertility: unleash the craziness within!

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! That "just in case" thing sounds familiar!

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  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment! I have read through a few of your posts and several have really resonated with me - particularly the post on weaning (I cried reading it) and those on sleeping - we have struggled with sleep as well.
    The two week wait really is the worst and all of our worries (most of them for nothing) can really take a toll.
    I look forward to following your journey and am praying for the end of the two week wait to bring positive news!

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    1. Thanks so much for visiting my blog, and also for your prayers.

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  5. Hang in there hon... the 2ww is horrible.

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  6. Thanks for stopping by my blog and the sweet comments! Wishing you the best on this 2ww...they are horrible!!! I'm excited to now follow along and hoping for the best for you at the end of this wait!

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    1. Thanks so much! I appreciate your well wishes!

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  7. I LOVE this post! For one, I can totally understand your thoughts and worries during the two week wait. When I got my first BFP I jumped up and down like a crazy woman; four days later I was bleeding. Now I'm afraid to move my toes during the 2WW. And if I have pain ANYWHERE in my abdomen, hell, if I have pain in my shoulder or my thigh, I wonder if it might be implantation. Haha! The joys of slowly losing your mind!

    I love the last part too. I get so sick of people telling me to take heart, or be patient, or have faith because God is faithful and he always fulfills his promises. I want to smack them and say that I am fully aware that He is faithful. I know God fulfills his promises… the problem is: He hasn't promised me a baby.

    But you're right, you're so right. Whether I believe it or not, my dreams are small compared to His BIG plan.

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    1. What you said about God being faithful and fulfilling His promises (but that He hasn't promised any of us babies) is so true. You said it better and more concisely than I did!

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  8. I know exactly what you mean! My infertility has me second-guessing ALL of my decisions, thoughts, actions, etc. If I didn't have hope and faith I'd be a depressing mess. I'm praying for you!

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    1. I know I'd be a mess without the hope we have in Christ as well. Thanks Karolyn!

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  9. At the very beginning of my pregnancy, right at the very end of the two week wait, a good friend had a party at one of those trampoline places. I'd just come off a miscarriage and was torn between not wanting to give it away that I might be pregnant again by not participating, and not wanting to do anything to jeopardize the maybe-pregnancy. I jumped as gently as possible a few times, got scared, and stopped. (My friend caught on, and it turned out I was pregnant. And jumping did not seem to hurt anything.)

    But yes, the two week wait is awful. And yes, anxiety and second-guessing (and waiting for the worst while hoping for the best) are terrible side effects. Hang in there, and best of luck!

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    1. Thanks so much for the comment, Kate! Trampolines would have made me nervous too, but it's good to know it didn't affect anything.

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  10. The two week wait sucks!!!! I hope that you are able to let go over your anxiety and this period ends quickly.

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    1. Thanks Jessah! I hope so too.

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  11. Hi Em!! Finally was able to make my way to your blog and I'm looking forward to catching up on your story!! Love the recent supportive words you've been throwing my way. Wishing the very best for you at the end of this 2ww!! xo

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    1. Thanks so much Suzanne! Great to have you here at my blog! And thanks for the well wishes.

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  12. Oh my gosh-- love this so much. What you said about trust rings SO true with my heart. And the 2ww freakouts totally resonate with me, too. :)

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    1. Glad that you could identify with what you read here...except for that infertility part...I wouldn't wish that on anybody and I'm sorry you have to bear this burden.

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  13. Awesome post! Reminds me of the song "Even if the healing doesn't come" by Kutless. Thanks for this reminder :)

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    1. What a great song. If this post had background music, that would be it.

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  14. I remember having these thoughts and feelings when we were cycling in 2007 and also after some of our early pregnancy losses, especially the ectopic we had in 2005. I recall wondering if while doing yoga I could have somehow allowed our baby to implant into the opening of my right tube and uterus, as opposed to just in my uterus. As you say, they are normal, but still hard to work through sometimes. Trust is so important, especially as it relates to our faith in God. I love this part of your post:

    "Though I cannot trust Him to always heal the people I love, I can trust Him to make their stories sing with His goodness and to give them joy beyond our understanding. Though I can't trust him to protect my family members, I do have faith that He will get us through any tragedy that life might throw our way. Though I can't trust Him to bless me with a long life on this earth, I can fully trust His promise of eternal life in heaven when this world washes away. And though I can't trust Him to give us another child, I can trust Him to make our lives complete and whole whether we have one child or ten."

    So true. Thank you for sharing and wishing you the best on your journey to expand your family and/or make peace with how you are now and may or may not be in the future.

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    1. Wow! Thanks so much for your kind comment and well wishes, Kathy!

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  15. I first found your blog after the "If my child marries your child" posting, and then started at the beginning and read thru your entire blog.
    Out of all the posts, this one resonated the most with me. You have such a refreshing command of words-- and I thank God for your gift with putting to words what I feel.

    I came back today to read this posting again ... and this time decided to say "Thank you".

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