Wednesday, May 15, 2013

hope

That's it.

I'm calling my doctor. I'm going to be my own advocate. I'm going to demand a change in my protocol.

I need a prescription for hope. 

I need my doctor to pick up his fancy pen and almost illegibly scrawl the word hope on his prescription pad. I need him to pick a dose - the perfect dose for my circumstance, my personality. I need a dose that's big enough to count as positive thinking but small enough that the side effects won't leave me incapacitated if this cycle's a bust. I need to stop by the pharmacy later today, pick up my white paper bag, and undo the single staple to find tiny vials of hope clinking together alongside my femara and ovidrel.     

And if this wasn't a daydream...if it was really, truly real...I would sit down in the driver's seat of my car and plunge that tiny needle through the vial's rubber cap. I'd draw up that perfect dose - the one predetermined by my doctor to lift my spirits without diminishing my ability to be realistic. I'd pinch some fat on my belly, count to three, and with a long exhale and a wince, I'd set that hope formula free in my system and wait for it to kick in.

"It's working," I'd tell my husband as I walked through the door.

"How do you know?"

"I had a vision of us at the hospital, introducing Harriet to her new brother or sister...and I didn't even feel silly," I'd answer.


64 comments:

  1. sob.

    i need the same prescription. let me know when you find a dr willing to give you one.

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  2. Oh hope... I wish it was that easy to dial up the perfect amount and self-administer it. I just hate TTC, and I hate that so many of you are having to go through it again (but that's the name of the game, right, when it comes to building our familes?). I know it's part of the deal, but I just wish it wasn't so hard for so many of us.

    I am hoping with you... and sending you my hope and love!

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    1. Thanks so much for joining your hope with mine!

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  3. Ugh. I so wish I could give you that prescription. Or wave a magic wand. Instead all I have are hugs from afar. Thinking of you.

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    1. Hugs are absolutely sufficient. (-:

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  4. Sign me up for this prescription, too. Thinking of you!

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  5. Ah, hope. The balancing act with hope (too much and you're crushed, too little and you lose joy)... I wish it was a real prescription they could give you and you could see that vision of success and have it be real. Beautiful post!

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    Replies
    1. It IS such a balancing act, isn't it? In true Goldilocks style...except we never find the amount of hope that's "just right."

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  6. i want to write you 365 of those prescriptions. and then hope that you dont need them all.
    definitely know the names of those two drugs. got us this miracle babe.
    praying for you pretty mama!
    this post was lovely.

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    Replies
    1. It's so encouraging to know that those drugs brought you your little boy! Thanks for the encouragement.

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  7. Oh golly, I'm with you girl… we're about to embark on our 4th IUI and I could use a whole lot of hope! I'm hopeful for you in case that prescription doesn't come through!

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  8. Wow. Incredible post. I hope you are able to get pregnant before it comes to IVF again. You guys deserve it so very much.

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  9. This post hit home today. I need this prescription today. It is CD5 after a very weird, 22 day cycle with no O even with Clomid and trigger.. and the last day I could start another round of clomid for this cycle. I had firmly decided I wasn't going to, eventhough CD3 bw / scan say it is okay to go for it. Instead I was going to let my body do its thing and then try Clomid again next cycle. But then I looked back at my old charts of 35 to 55 day long cycles (or even longer until Provera was used to jump start) and then at my chart of 1 negative 30 day Clomid cycle followed by a positive Clomid cycle and it made me think, let's just go for it. I no longer expect my body to work on its own. To me doing this cycle without Clomid feels like a waste of what could be 55 days. I have lost faith and have lost hope. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge it, but then maybe I am right to. Where am I going with this? I do not know. But whether or not I pop that little white pill this evening, I could really use a prescription of 'hope' to go along with this cycle.

    Thinking of you and sending a huge dose of hope your way!! Let this cycle be the one you have been waiting for!!! Hugs!

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    1. Oh Fiona, this sounds so tough. So sorry this last cycle was so confusing. I'm hoping and praying on both of our behalf. And also sending that hug back to you.

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  10. I'm hoping FOR you today lady.

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  11. Dang it, I was just at the doctor and forgot to ask for my RX for hope :/ Wouldn't it be nice if we could take a little dose of hope along with all the other things????

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  12. Sending you some hope xxxooo

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  13. I love this post. It's beautiful. And heartbreaking. And raw. And honest.

    I hope you find your hope, the perfect dose.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the kindness Esperanza. It means a lot.

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  14. Yes, yes, yes.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  15. Gosh, if only it were that easy to bring hope back into our lives while in the middle of cycles. Let us all bring you hope, in just the perfect dose, and support you as you go through this cycle. Good luck!

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  16. This is an amazing post. If only.

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  17. Oh how I wish it worked that way! I think I must be allergic...

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  18. This is so so hard. Hope you get the hope you need to keep on going. Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. I hope the same for you, Jessah.

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  19. Em,
    This is so hard -- I lack the words to write anything profound, except just to say that I've been there too.
    Praying for a good dose of hope and peace for you.
    Em

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    1. Thanks so much, Em! And that was plenty profound...prayer is always needed.

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  20. Beautiful post Em... I wish it were that simple/easy, but I am believing and hoping with you. Hang in there and congrats on being featured in Mel's Friday Blog Round Up today! :)

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    1. I had no idea I was featured, so thanks for the head's up! That's kinda fun.

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  21. Ahhh....Hope. For so many years I had such a contentious relationship with her. She seemed so fickle.

    But I never thought of getting medical-grade Hope. You are a smart one!

    Wishing for you all good things :-)

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    Replies
    1. Contentious...great word to describe that relationship.

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  22. No words my dear. This just made me cry at my desk at work. Sending lots of loving thoughts your way!:)

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    1. Sorry about the tears! Sending those thoughts your way as well.

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  23. Beautiful. And it really hit home for me, as you can imagine. I NEED that hope pen as well. Funny thing is, with my doctor at least, I think HE'S the one who's been dipping into the hope well. Always so optimistic in the face of my pessimism. Does second-hand hope work too? ;)

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    1. That's a great question...I suppose it can't hurt, right?

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  24. I'd love that same prescription, hook me up!!

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  25. i always want to reply to your emails when you leave me a comment but i cant because you are a no reply blogger! dah!
    i am so glad you loved that video! & i think we should meet up soon!
    watch this one - a whole family! SO ADORABLEEEEE.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu1MmvZrmVc

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  26. I like that daydream! I too wish that there was a prescription for hope! :)

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    Replies
    1. I know! I wish I could send one your way as well!

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  27. em,
    just wanted to thank you for your precious comments that you always leave on my blog. they genuinely do encourage me. the road of infertility is so hard and often lonely. i know we are in different stages as we are now long into our adoption wait. but, either way, there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. i hope God renews your hope and endurance as you walk this road with Him. love to you.

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    1. Thanks so much for the sweet comment, Kimmie! I have been blessed by your blog over and over and over. I just can't wait for Lyle to come home!!!

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  28. I just came upon your blog today, and what a beautiful post. Wouldn't that be nice if we could all get a prescription for some hope once in a while? One of the hardest things about going through infertility is that 1 + 2 does not = 3. I don't think my RE has ever given me anything close to a guarantee of having a baby, and I know he never will. Some extra doses of hope sure would be nice right about now!

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    1. Wouldn't it though? My prayer for you is that hope surprises you one day with it's steadfastness despite the odds against it.

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  29. Hi Em! What a beautiful post. I love this so much. Hope is something that I try so hard to hold onto in all of this. It's sometimes, as you know, so difficult to do though :(. Thinking of you!! xoxo

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    1. It's SO difficult, isn't it? Thanks for stopping by my blog. Good to have you here!

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  30. A prescription for hope-how so very, very right you are. I wish that was something we could cash in at the pharmacy. Beautiful post, lady. p.s. I nominated you for the Super Sweet Blogger Award :) http://nomaybebaby.blogspot.com/2013/05/super-sweet-blogger-award.html

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    1. Whoa! Thanks so much, Marcy! This made my day! (-:

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  31. Holy smokes girly! I'm super behind, and look at all these comments I had to scroll through just so I could leave my own! Look at all these people you impact in such a positive way. You are truly deserving of the blogging award that Marcy has nominated you for.

    I hope that you have found that vial of hope. If you haven't, I have a LOT of hope for you that Harriet will be meeting her new baby brother or sister in the future. I really, truly hope that vision does become a reality.

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  32. I pray for your journey often, Em. *Hugs*

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    1. Thanks so much, dear friend.

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