Wednesday, August 7, 2013

better days

Sitting in the waiting room at the fertility clinic, Andrew observed that the doctors were always saying, "nice to see you again" when greeting patients for consults. He thought that it was an odd thing for them to say considering consults only happen when things aren't going very well.

We didn't have to wait long for Dr. C. He greeted us with a handshake and a warm smile. I often get antsy when no words are exchanged, so I was the one who said "nice to see you again" as a way to ease the awkwardness. 

"Well," Dr. C said. "Not really. I wish we weren't having to meet."

And right away, I felt at ease and even understood. 

We sat down and dove right in. Why isn't IUI working for us? There's no reason to try IUI with injectables, right? What are our chances of success without IVF? You know, the usual questions. The ones we've asked many times before but still need answers to.

Eventually, we started discussing moving on to IVF - the hows, the whens, the ifs. And that's when he said it...

"You guys are getting a free IVF, right?"

I almost yelled back at him, "No, no, NO! Our frozen embryo was damaged last year and you said that you'd either transfer it for free or refund the money we've spent to keep it frozen."

I almost wanted to cry. Don't say that stuff like it's nothing! Get your facts right! Don't you know what simply hearing the words "free IVF" does to people?!

He stopped ruffling through my file. He looked up and said calmly, "No, it's a free IVF."

I flung my hands over my face and just lost it. With my elbows on my knees and my face hidden behind his big desk, I could hear Andrew holding back tears and asking Dr. C what changed. Dr. C said that there were so many tears from the families whose embryos were damaged that they realized that a free frozen embryo transfer wasn't nearly enough. Instead, they're offering free IVF cycles to the families who lost embryos last year.

I had a list of questions on my phone. Many of them went unanswered because this news was a game-changer. None of the other questions seemed to matter much anymore. Dr. C did make it clear that we are responsible for our own medications, which will likely total close to $5,000. But when you plan to pay three times that amount, $5,000 feels pretty good.

I was two days into my femara cycle at the time of the consult, so we decided to continue it, and then do IVF next if it doesn't work. My femara dose this time around was 7.5 mg per day, up from 5 mg per day. I had my monitoring ultrasound this morning, showing a lining of 8 (they want it to be over 7) and two follicles that are big enough to act on. This was the fastest I've responded and only the second time I've had more than one follicle. 

Funny how hope can spin and spin and spin like a spiderweb. Then in an instant, with a sweep of a hand or a gust of wind, it can be gone. But the next morning, in the same place, a fresh spiderweb sparkles with dew and sunlight...ever reinventing itself, ever blind to its own silliness. 

Our consult with Dr. C wove our web of hope massive and multi-layered. We are constantly praying that strong gusts and careless hands stay far, far away. 




35 comments:

  1. Oh WOW Em - what a whirlwind of a consult!! Great news all around. Hopefully you don't even need that free cycle. :)

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  2. Prayers that you don't need the IVF :)

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  3. WOW!!!! I know it will NEVER make up for losing that little embryo, I know it was precious to you, and that you mourned that loss, but this is AWESOME news! Serious game changer! I'm so excited for you! I'm hoping you don't need it because one of these two follicles is destined to be Harriet's brother or sister, but if you do, yay for FREE IVF!!!

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  4. What a wonderful comparison there at the end!

    I am so excited that you're getting a free cycle. That's great of them - but I think they should have offered that from the start. I'm glad they came around to what's right. There is a difference between what's fair and what's right - and they definitely did what's right. Good for them!

    Good luck with this cycle!!!!

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  5. Oh my!! As always, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted. :)

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  6. Hugs friend. I know I can't possibly understand the depths of this news, but I am so happy to see that they will do a free cycle if needed. BEST news I heard all day! -Emie

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  7. This post gave me goose-bumps! I am praying you don't need the ivf either, but wow what a day!


    www.homedaycareandme.wordpress.com

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  8. That is wonderful news. It is the sign of a good clinic. I think they should have realized this from the start- offering a free FET when they know the embryos are damaged isn't really a solution to the problem they made.

    I hope you won't need the IVF, but how wonderful to know you've got it in your back pocket if needed!

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  9. This is fantastic!! What a great surprise (financially)! The words "free IVF" certainly are not heard of. I'm so happy for you! I'll be hoping and praying that maybe these two little follicles can work some wonders and you won't even have to go the IVF route! Yes. Lets do that. :)

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  10. That's amazing! But like everyone else said, I hope you don't need the free IVF. Also, why are the meds so crazy expensive? My cycle was at least half of that. Have you shopped around at all? Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy and Mandell's in NJ often offer discounts and seem reasonable.

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  11. Wow, wow, wow! Praying you don't need IVF and thanking God for providing the option!

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  12. Yay, yay, yay, what happy news! I love your comparison of hope to a spider web--so beautiful, and so true. I think good things are ahead, Em :)

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  13. Oh my goodness! Amazing! Wow... I'm hoping you don't even need to use that free IVF, but still... good news! xox

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  14. What good news! Excited to hear! Thinking about you sweet friend!

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  15. That is fantastic news!! Yeah, throwing around the words free ivf is nothing to take lightly. Good luck to you!

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  16. How awesome, Em!! I agree with the commenter who said that there's a difference between what's fair and what's right...and your doctors are definitely doing what's right. Having such a great offer on the table will take so much pressure off your current cycle, it seems like!! Praying for you, friend!

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  17. Wow!! What amazing news for you guys! This must give you so much HOPE! :-) Wonderful, wonderful! :)

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  18. Wow, it's a nice backup plan for you guys but I am praying and hoping that this cycle works for you so you don't even need any free IVF.

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  19. Awesome news! I love the analogy you made with the spiderweb, very true. I'm sorry about the loss of your embryo and the hope for that cycle. Crossing my fingers for this cycle!
    xxxooo

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  20. Yippee! So happy for you guys. It sounds like everything is going so perfectly for this Femara cycle, and I hope that you won't even need the IVF, but what a nice little back-up plan. They definitely did the right thing to offer that in light of your loss.

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  21. A free cycle sounds like it's merited in a situation like that. I'm happy for you that it's there, but as others have said, here's hoping you don't actually need it and that one day soon you can think of Dr. C and say, "Nice to NOT see you"!

    Beautiful last two paragraphs.

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  22. Wowsers, Em! That's great news!
    Hoping your spider web stays dewy and strong!
    Em
    : )

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  23. Wow!! That's such great news!!! I am so happy for you :)

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  24. OMG that imagery of the spiderweb is beautiful and soooo true. This is wonderful news for you, I'm so happy to hear it.

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  25. Oh wow!!! Tears!! I am sooo happy for you that this happened. That is very good of them to offer and such wonderful news. Hopefully you don't even need that cycle, but so great that it is there if you do. Yay!!

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  26. I totally understand about the "Nice to see you." At our clinic, the receptionists and nurses frequently ask how I'm doing. I've been known to respond, on more than one occasion, "I'd rather not be here."

    What unbelievable news and a great gift! Hoping that you won't need it at all, but so nice to know that it's there if you do.

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  27. What great news and a huge sigh of relief but keeping my fingers crossed you won't need to cross that bridge and that these follicles will be the ones for you!

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  28. Wow, Em! That is amazing news. So glad that your clinic is trying to right there mistake. I'm glad you're feeling hopeful again.

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  29. Wow, just wow! I am so sorry that you lost your embryo in the first place, but how wonderful that the clinic upgraded their rectification of their mistake. What a beautiful gift after such a loss. Unexpected good news is beautiful! Good luck to you on this new (and way less expensive) path!

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  30. Prayers are answered!!!! What amazing news, seriously!!! Congratulations!

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  31. Wow!!! What great news! Hopefully you won't even need the IVF, but prayers either way!

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  32. Holy crap!!! That is AMAZING!!! I am so incredibly excited/scared/nervous/ecstatic and all other emotions for you!! I'll be praying!

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  33. I cannot even imagine if my clinic had somehow damaged our embryos! That being said, I am so glad you are being given a free IVF. That is amazing and so much better than the original offer. I'm guessing you will transfer that frozen embryo? Em, I wish you the very very best! Who knows, maybe you won't even need this free cycle! Hugs!

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  34. This post completely reflects the rollercoaster of emotions that is IF. Wishing you the best.

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  35. You have been on my mind lately. I hope all is well in your world. xoxo

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